Uncategorized

A Caps Lock Catharsis

HEY EVERYBODY, DON’T GIVE YOUR NUMBER TO THAT CUTE, SWEET BOY YOU MET ON OKCUPID, BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO SPEND THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF YOUR TEXTUAL ACQUAINTANCE COMPLETELY FAWNING OVER HOW AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND FUNNY YOU ARE AND HE’LL PROCLAIM HOW HE’S DYING TO MEET YOU AND YOU’LL BLUSH AND MAYBE SMILE A BIT, BUT SOON YOU’LL GET THAT SICK FEELING LIKE WHEN YOU’VE EATEN TOO MUCH CANDY AND YOU’LL GROW TIRED OF HIS CONSTANT COMMUNICATION AND HIS INCESSANT PLEAS TO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MEET YOU IN PERSON. AND WHEN YOU ASK HIM TO JUST GIVE YOU MORE TIME AND SPACE? OH, THAT’S WHEN HE DROPS THE NICE FACADE. THAT’S WHEN HE STARTS TO ASK WHAT HE DID WRONG, STARTS TO BEG YOU TO TELL HIM WHAT HE CAN DO TO FIX IT. AND WHEN YOU REITERATE THAT YOU JUST WANT SOME TIME TO YOURSELF AND SOME SPACE FROM HIM, HE’LL TELL YOU HE’S DISAPPOINTED. HE’LL SCATHINGLY SAY HE RESPECTS YOUR DECISION BUT THAT HE THINKS IT’S SO IRONIC THAT FIRST YOU WERE SO ENTHUSIASTIC AND NOW YOU’VE DECIDED TO BACK OFF. HE’LL TELL YOU HOW HURT HE IS, HOW YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BE SO HARSH BY BLOCKING HIM ON FACEBOOK AND NOW PUTTING DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU TWO. BUT OKAY, HE’LL SAY. I RESPECT YOU. WHICH IS JUST FUCKING HILARIOUS, BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE HE THREW ALL HIS RESPECT FOR YOU OUT THE WINDOW HOURS AGO WHEN HE REALIZED HE WAS LOSING YOU. AND HE THINKS THIS IS GOING TO MAKE YOU CRAWL BACK WILLINGLY? HE THINKS THIS WILL SHAKE THE INSECURITIES THAT MADE YOU ASK FOR TIME APART IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HAVE SOME MORE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF, YOU VALIANT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. REALIZE THAT YOU DON’T NEED SOME UNKNOWN, UNAUTHORIZED MALE PERSPECTIVE TO VALIDATE YOUR EXISTENCE. DON’T CHASE VAGUE SHADOWS OF AFFECTION DOWN SHADY ALLEYWAYS. DON’T DO THAT WHICH MAKES YOUR HEART FEEL ILL AT EASE. STAY SAFE. STAY STRONG. AND CONSIDER SAVING THAT HORRIBLE CONVERSATION HE MADE YOU UNDERGO IN CASE YOU FIND YOURSELF APPLYING FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER, BECAUSE GOD KNOWS, THIS MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

DON’T GIVE YOUR NUMBER TO THAT CUTE, SWEET BOY YOU MET ON OKCUPID.

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